I sit here tonight watching Rudolf with my mom, my oldest daughter and the pups.  As I tried to hold it together tonight and tried to explain to Madison that she may hear some very sad news over the next few days, I just wanted to hold her that much tighter.  Today, the lives of innocent children were taken by a child himself.  We may never understand why, we will never forget this day.  I pray for all the families affected, including those of the shooter.  No matter what, they lost a son, brother, grandchild and will always have to remember the pain he caused.

Over the next few months we will hear stricter gun laws, bashing of the NRA, and the such.. I am a proud woman to support the Second Amendment.  I got my CWP this year.  I plan to purchase a smaller pistol and holster to carry it on my person.. Yes, I have two small children.  I will do what I have to do to keep them safe.  Will I risk their lives to do it? No.  But I will defend myself.  Like my instructor told us.  If you see a sign that says no concealed weapons.  Take your business elsewhere.  I believe if that movie theater would have allowed C W's then someone may have been able to stop that shooter.

Just some thoughts.  back to Rudolf.  Sad day and long time healing to come for not only those families in connecticut, but for our nation.

I don't know....

I don't know how to be a single mom.. take it, it's only a year, but I've never done it.  Yes... there are millions of women and men that are single parents... like I said, I've never done it.  Those that I do know, have parents that help, nannies, and even the other parent that takes the kids during "their time". What to do, what to do.. I really want to leave my job.  I really like what I do, but not found with some of the things going on.  Plus, I only see my girls, maybe, 3 hours a day.  It's not fair to them.  It's not fair that our wonderful babysitter who is pretty much family, saw Meredith walk for the first time today.  It's no one's fault, it just happens.

I tried assistant coaching t-ball and had to rely on another mom to watch Meredith while i coached.  If she wasn't there, I couldn't coach.  Sometimes I had her on my hip because I was the only coach there and couldn't let the other kiddos down.  Soccer starts in a couple of weeks and so does kindergarten!  I want to be that room mom that volunteers.  I want to be the mom that walks through the door and Madison is so excited that I'm there to help, not that I'm the mom that hasn't been there all day.

When Wesley actually gets to Kosovo in a few weeks and his pay is tax free, I'll be able to afford to stay home.  There are stay at home moms that I want to connect with.  I need to start praying about it more.  I don't know if my job will let me work part time, take a leave of absence.  I don't know that I can be a stay at home.  I've worked since I was 15.  I don't know how not to!

I guess we will see... Thanks for listening :)

don't know how long I can control it....

I just really really really want to let someone know exactly how they have caused conflict in my life, marriage, and just about caused me to go in to the hospital...... grrrrrrrrrr.... that is all.